Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She's the barista slut.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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