I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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