The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i think i have herpe
just one?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize