he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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