I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
