i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
