It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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