Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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