There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
