I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
