I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Everyone says I win the strip club
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
