You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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