so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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