Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
