i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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