he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
