Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
