I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
