I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize