im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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