I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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