there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
