I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
