I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
