I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
