oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
