remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This baby is an asshole
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
