I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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