the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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