just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
