I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
My ATM looks so different sober.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
