i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
