she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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