Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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