I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
