i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
