I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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