I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
