I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
