I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
