Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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