lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
