I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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