70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Randomize
