The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
