Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
