i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
