chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
