Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize