You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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