so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
