My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
