my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
