We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
should my penis look like a turkey
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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