Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
