apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
