This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
