and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My legs feel like baby dolphins
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
