I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
being pregnant is like rehab
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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