You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
