I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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